Admissions
by Vestal Virgin
Summary: Written for MizVoy for VAMB's Secret Summer 2013. The request was for a story from the POV of Admiral Kathryn Janeway's aide, either the Endgame admiral or the Nemesis admiral. Thanks to KJaneway115 for suggestions and an after-the-fact beta due to time constraints. While I did follow some of her suggestions, all errors and oddities are solely my own fault.


**DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and characters are the property of Paramount/CBS. The story events and errors are mine.**

"What do you mean you are leaving? You spent two months getting ready to teach this class on the Borg, and you're leaving the first day of class?"

Admiral Janeway turned from her desk to look at her assistant. "Yes, Joshua, I'm leaving. Something has come up that must take priority."

"You're really going to do it, aren't you?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm going to do what?"

The admiral's eyes hardened, but he forged ahead anyway. "You're going back to _Voyager_. Did you think I couldn't figure out what you were up to?"

"It is classified. I would appreciate if you did not ask any more questions, because I can't answer them."

Joshua watched her turn back to the stack of PADDs she was sorting through. He knew that body language. The stiffened back, the squared shoulders, the set of her head that said she meant business. It was enough to silence most people no matter their rank. Nine years working as her assistant had desensitized him to her dominating presence, though. "Classified by whom? You? Because I know that Starfleet is not privy to your plans. If they were, you would be in a cell right now."

Her shoulders relaxed a small fraction, the closest the admiral got to a slump. "You don't know everything," she said, her voice quieter. "Whatever you think you've figured out, you don't know it all."

"I never said anything before because I didn't believe you would actually find a way to pull it off. But you have, haven't you? Give me one reason why I shouldn't report you right now." Joshua stood up and took a step toward the door. "You are planning to change the timeline. Why? What is so awful about this time that you are willing to risk your life and the last 16 years of history?"

Janeway stepped between her assistant and the door and put her hands on her hips. "You're out of line. I don't expect you to understand, and I do not have to explain my actions to you."

"I'm out of line? I am out of line?" Joshua had never raised his voice at her before, no matter how frustrating the admiral could be sometimes. "You want to erase almost two decades, over half of my lifetime, from history! You are the one who is out of line here, _ma'am_. Voyager came home. You are an admiral. Your crew has built their own lives here in the Alpha Quadrant. Many of them are commanders and captains themselves, now. They have families and homes. Hell, even the Doctor is married now. I won't let you do this!" Joshua tried to get past her to the door, but she grabbed him by the arm. Damn, she had a grip!

"Joshua, wait. Please."

He paused and looked her in the eye. Her dark blue gaze reflected what he had only caught glimpses of in the past: pain and self-condemnation. She was a haunted woman, and though she hid it well most of the time, her hardened shell slipped on occasion, and he saw the real person behind the Starfleet Admiral's mask. He moved back and waited for her to speak.

"I've been working on this plan since Voyager's return. I have gone over every scenario in my mind a thousand times. Bringing Voyager home early is the only way."

"The only way for what, Admiral?" Joshua struggled to lower his voice and to be receptive to what she had to say.

"Too many things went wrong, Joshua. You can't know what it was like out there. Yes, we came home, and my crew has managed to build their own lives and careers. But too many of them did not come home with us. Too many of them were changed by the things we experienced. I have the chance to make it right. I have the opportunity to maybe change things here in the Alpha Quadrant, too. The Borg incursions do not have to happen. The lives lost to them can be brought back with the knowledge and technology of _Voyager_ and Seven of Nine."

Joshua had lost an uncle and two cousins in the last battle with the Borg. Watching his aunt try to cope with those losses was heartbreaking. His fun-loving, funny and beautiful aunt had not smiled since the day she was given the news of the deaths. Could that really be changed? Could the admiral's plan bring back his loved ones and save his mother's sister?

Joshua spoke to the floor, a faraway look in his eyes. "Can it work? Tell me honestly, do you really believe you can change the timeline, or are you just hoping you can?"

Janeway knew of his family's losses, and she gripped his shoulder in compassion. "I do, Joshua. I really believe this will work. I would not be leaving if I didn't. You know I'm a scientist first and foremost, and I've worked out and altered and perfected this plan for years. I can do this. Trust me."

He looked up at her. "I trust you to do what you think is right. That doesn't always mean that it _is_ right. You're not just changing your past, but everyone's. You're willingly throwing the Temporal Prime Directive out an airlock. Even if you alter the losses so many families like mine have suffered, what makes it right? How do you know that things will be better?"

She gathered the PADDs she had been sorting through, placed most of them on his desk, and strolled toward the door. "I know what went wrong, that's how. I can give Voyager the means to fight the Borg. I can bring back my crew before we suffer so many losses, before so many of them become embittered and hardened. I can change the battles that took so much from them."

She turned back to face him. "Three days, Joshua. That's all I ask. Give me three days before you go to anyone. Take tomorrow off. Go see your parents and your aunt. Go see your sister. You can hold off the inquiries for that long, at least."

He stood tall under her steel blue stare, considering everything she said. For nine years he had worked as her assistant, and he did trust her. He admired her strength and her courage and the unbelievable mission she had accomplished. But underneath it all, he had learned what she suffered in the process. He learned it in bits and pieces, in a casual remark here, a lost look quickly buried that he would glimpse when he entered the room, a soft sigh when she would speak of Tuvok or Seven. And then, there was _him_. The toughest struggle she faced every day was facing him. Janeway had turned back to the door and was almost through it.

"Admiral!" He had fairly barked an order at her, and she paused with stiffened spine. "Three days is all I will promise. But since you are determined to go through with this, at least admit to yourself the number one reason for this plan; the one thing that is driving you to throw everything away with this suicide mission."

"What would that be, Joshua?" she asked, her back still turned to him.

"Chakotay is the one loss you cannot live with. You never forgave yourself for letting him go."

Her head rose and her arms gripped the PADDs tightly against her chest. Seconds passed before he heard her strained voice. "Neither did he."

Joshua watched her leave and ran his hands through his hair. He could be on the shuttle to his sister's house within the hour. He would give the haunted admiral three days, and hoped it was enough.


End file.
